:o

Heyyyy...

I remember you!
Blog.

Perhaps we shall become reacquainted, no?
I think maybe yes.
:)

Precious Illusions- by Alanis Morissette

I will have to let my romantic illusions go. Finally already before they really do some major damage. One casualty has already been discovered in between us. :(

Oops.

Dammit, it seems there are so many other things for me to do online, and so many other places to write in, that I always forget my little blog here!!!

Oh, poor poor thing, will thouest ever forgiveth me??? Willest thou?
Meh, they're just words on a page anyway. :P

Ok, how bout this: In the next few days I will write something Big and Meaningful. Well, maybe Big and Meaningful to me on a very small scale, that is to say, on a personal level. Yeah.
Ok, I gotta go.

So be good, poor blog.
Don`t have too much fun without me, throwing little word parties behind my back.
;)

remembering remembered, and reminded part 2

The next song in my nostalgia`s installment. Don`t get any on ya...
(and yeah there is a live performance of this song I could put in, but I'm going for overall auric quality here. Look away and listen if you likey.)
Bigmouth Strikes Again by The Smiths.

remembering remembered, and reminded...

Ok, I need at least ONE video put up to be satisfied, but which of the 5?? Just two bands in my mind and ears and heart now, so I`ll decide on what began this most recent nostalgic journey. And I begin...
The Queen Is Dead by The Smiths.

remembering remembered.

I come here tonite, tiredly drunk and in the middle of a busy nothing. I wish to speak, yet know not what about. The past few days have been intensely nostalgic for me. I`ve found songs on youtube I haven't heard, well, some for over 20 years. And it oh so reminds me of me then and the way I was. Oh, and this feeling behind it, now likened to a dusty memory sitting blankly behind me in the past. But with the listen of these songs, something far inside makes me ache in a blossomy, awakening way... I remember that way I was then, and the years that stretched out with me. I most importantly remember how I felt, how the atmosphere laid itself around me like a cocoon. These songs created a world for me, and I loved music. I guess I have to put these songs here, because they must be somewhere for me. for me only, to dip myself slowly back into the wax of my previous mold. Wick and flame once more...

videos must happen soon. But once I begin, I may not be able to stop. I`ll leave this a day or so and then return to see what I`ve decided.

Oh, to be the cream...

the blankness under the page.

I have become so disillusioned with this blog thingy and my role here, and with anything I may think of saying. I keep leaving you alone blog, for too long at a time. I just don't know what to do with you. sorry. there should be some kind of manna spell to do away with self-doubt...

No Ordinary Love: Sade

Nevermind the why. Just know the reason exists...

I am here like a bruise re-awakened. but i really wasnt committed. but i really wasnt committed..

im missing the bongwater that was in my nomeansno punkass solution...

i tell myself i didnt miss a thing.

I am so sad. Oh I feel that ive missed out on something powerful. My own force and decision. Oh and my moving out by will alone. I am so sorry if I didnt take my chance with you. I just didnt ever ever think that I would ever be important enough to want to hear. or be listened to.
i was a bit of the woman in the place tonite. i was the fourth corner, tying the room together. i was the she. the powerful. sexy. but fucking shy. i felt the energy of looks and men and downplayed it. too much in the end., but i received nice gifts along the way, which was nice. fuck, this is no story.

this is my lost little place.i am so sorry that i missed you tonite. i am so sorry that i missed you. i am so sorry that i missed you.
im so sorry i missed you. even if i didnt have any right rhyme or reason to.
i am trying not to feel stupid for not realizing how important it was for me to follow up on what i created. move out alone.
i felt fucking stupid as hell for saying `bye **** people` as i left the place tonite.
never mind. i like being alone here.
you are not reading this.



nevermind. i lied.
i dont.

Puscifer

well, poop. the damn link doesnt work anymore. bug me and maybe ill update the thing. yep.

My vapourous mistyness finally catches me in it`s poisonous vapour..

I`m becoming less defined as days go by...
Fading away, well you might say I'm losing focus...
Kind of drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself...
(TR-NIN)

Hello people and or humans...
Ooh, ok, I wanna just get right into it... So I will.
I am feeling full of aggressive energy and I don't know where to take it. I don't know where to put it. I have now available to me some new artistic means, and I know I will be ok there. But I have this need.............................................
I am always afraid to be so bold, so brusque, so animal, yet I SO WANNA not be stopped from it. And so YET, I keep myself captive from never saying what IT IS. Captive and kept from the sweet release of just saying without doubt; and holding hands with all glorious impulse in honesty. OF just getting it out.
I am so full of fear in having a voice because I have been kept down forever. Now there is no one holding their cruel hand over my mouth; no evil boot on my throat, and in my apparent freedom, I am finding myself without voice. Without words for fear of dismissive judgment. the only thing I can relate this to at the moment, and its strange that i do, is this- its like i am coming out of a closet. But I'm not. I am not gay. I think I only liken it to thus is because of the immense fear of other in the personal and vulnerable face of personal truth. This is who I am, and I am no longer afraid of it. After living so many years of torment and abuse, I am still finding my voice quite silent, even though Ive been freed for quite some time...

I find these websites and pour some of myself into them, but then dry up when I most want to spill. I am becoming diluted and deluded. My flow isn't enough to keep anyone interested either. So I fight then my brave fight in keeping my veins from collapsing and open yet another tributary, all the while weaving words and directions, yet never ever showing the picture in its entirety. I think I just maybe don't know how. :(

p.s. i love you autosave. :)
My word of the day: Anisotropy
(whether in chemistry, physics, or other...)

Sia

So, if you have watched the video for PostSecret, then you have heard that beautiful song that goes with it. It`s from a Seattle woman called Sia. I watched her other videos, quite interesting, but one in particular caught my eye. I liked the comments about it, and thought I would share the thing here because it is so bizarre. But I dig the idea that the woman can go beyond `being pretty in a video` to do something absolutely strange and playful. Enjoy. You may need to watch it several times in order to really appreciate it. :)



Yay for weird girls! We can be pretty, talented, AND out there!
Yeah. (Although I gotta say, I think I`d be too embarrassed to do this myself)

...dammit, I`ve had to replace this video since, and this one doesn't let you see the end. poo on you.

The reality

Hi!
Well then.
I have a new discovery. It`s called PostSecret, and it`s wonderfully painfully human, which is my favorite. Oh, us poor frail creatures... Anyway, I`ve just heard of it, and watched the video for the site before actually going there. (you can find it on youtube) I`ll not describe it much here except to say that it seems very inspirational, and I find myself touched by the amount of authenticity that pours forth. It`s human pain, and it`s very evident in some of these secrets; I find that it brings us closer somehow. I`m recognizing that my powers of description are off at the moment, so ill just stop here. But check it out if you have never. http://postsecret.blogspot.com/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6rTkp1dek4

oh, this...

Oh, my poor little bloggy thing, I have forgotten you.
I burst in on this thing with no purpose and left you alone to forget yourself.
I am sorry.
I have wandered away to other things and places. And I see you sitting here alone and feel saddened... so sorry. But I do not know if I have what it takes to keep you alive. Most other people have all these wonderful things to say, to contribute, to enlighten us about.
And I don't think I have anything like that.
In my other wanderings I found a place that held alot of promise. But I am finding that my head is up against the wall there, as much as it was here. I guess I just don't know where to put myself. I am trying to be on this dammed `healing journey`, and I am clueless about how to go about it. I so just want to get it all out, but feel that to do so would be to burden someone else with this shit, and I would never want to do that. Or maybe I'm just scared to. I am just a big scaredy cat. but lost, where do i go? maybe searching more? there is a whole world out there, and I am surely limiting myself to stay in these shallow little ponds...
I don't know. but i will be back here, if only to remind myself.
bye.
I have this huge craving to get into the doom and darkness, and the Type O Negative of it all. Careful not to wallow too deep...

What I`m liking now...

Ooohh. Found this through another blogger`s site. Band is called Eisley, and I cannot stop listening to them. I find their songs somehow lightly haunting, if that`s possible...
This song is called I Wasn't Prepared.


If you have musical taste like me, you`ll be glad to listen to their other songs, particularly Invasion and Marvelous Things. I think they`re playing on Conan on Thurs, Aug. 30.

The Ultimate Truth.

Yeah.
Vulnerability.
So much to say about this.
And with only 15 minutes left before I have to scram, I`ll leave this here by itself to sit awhile.
peace.
___

What this is...

Seems me here now doing this (nice huh?) is relevant to my need for expressing, and expunging.......(ew. never really liked that word... (i`m too tactile))
I do not want to be one of those poor people who feel a place like this is for their own weaknesses and whinings, but it seems that that has come to be. So be it. You may have noticed by now (muffled snickers) that i put myself through a great deal of turmoil in trying to find my words and wisdoms, and i expect this struggle to continue for awhile longer. Maybe, when i`m done (more muffled snickering) I will have uncovered some grand singular purpose and can begin anew. I'm hoping. I guess if you get tired (or whatever) of watching me lift up my band-aid(tm) to peek at the mess underneath, you can always just go on your merry little way and leave me to my dichotomous devices.

Am I repeating myself too much?

Fuck.

Now ive gone and done it. ive created this responsibility. with the whole fucking world now, all at once, and all i ever meant to do was just see. just peek and see.
oh, ive started this now, havent i?? yep. just gone and did it, didnt cha? fuck.
and i did it with out thinking, the way i wanted to. if i had known what huge step i was about to take as found this place, and clicked those buttons, i wouldve stopped. ( i know the way i am with you. but i longed for the other. this isnt what my writing is. this is some twisted ache of it, frustrated and stuck. YAY! Great.) (and i will stick periods around parentheses where ever i want.).
everytime i write right here, it turns into this big fucking ordeal. like i cant get to the point.
Oh, Ive done it now., and now i have this responsibility to uphold. dont i?
this is mine. and i didnt know what i was getting into. oh this has to stop. the evil force that makes me explain all my actions. and reactions. has to go. oh, i must exorcise some beast or other. fine.
sigh.
if this is the only way i can do this, lets just fucking do this already.



the only way i can be here is fully. the only way i can do this is to stop feeling like im pouring this into ears, splashing this into eyes. so i will. fine.
the other only way i can be here is to speak the truth. (it is sure to fail if i dont. and im tired of things becoming doomed into nonexistance.) ok. and this is the hard one, comes with alot of raggedy baggage. and i dont like whats inside. and i suppose ill look anyway, later.
Truth. fine then. god. sigh. fine.
i dont even know what to say about it. here i am, trying to get my ideas down and there are too many thoughts distracting me. it exhausts my fire, a little... just do it.

The Big Scary

Shaking my hands.
Scaring my resolve.
Frightening away Absolution.
___

This will be a place i revisit often. im gonna make the titles (on the left) as useful to me as i can. If i can find a way... (Hey, just discovered the keywords, and how they work. i have found another tool. right on.) There is nothing i hate more than availability without purpose. Its such a waste. Like frilly pictures with no depth. Pointless. this is pretty much the way i feel about my art, or the lack thereof.
Dark looming block.
Bleeding dry my creativity; where there is no more the lift of the pen, the stroke of the brush, the movement of fingers over alphabet. nothingness becoming itself. Funny how something with such emptiness can become so enveloping. its a fucking sucking vacuum. not fun. Ever had one of these? And now i need a new thread about the artist/writer block. i also need more words. and more availability of them. i could read the dictionary. and how can i express my own laughing without chatrooming it up with something as pedestrain as `lol`. guess there isnt a way. oh well.
___

So exhausting to go back over something numerous times to make sure its really ok.
Maybe good enough is good enough.
god. Dont be so afraid.
___

You. human there. Apparently its important and normal for me to talk to myself when writing.
And apparently its necessary for me to tell you that.
No need to be alarmed.
___

Ive been swinging between two constants:
That I must be here, and that I must..................... dammit, the words are gone again. I never got to the big reason of being here.
The Ultimate Truth. Around the time Honesty walked in...
Ill start a new post about it. i think it may deserve its own.
___

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!!
I missed The Riches again tonite! Aargh, aaack, and aaauuuggghhh!! Dammit. Thats like, the third week in a row. Stupid internet. grrr. Me not happy. And stupid showcase wont let me watch any episodes... rrrghh. Love the theme song. I hardly ever turn my tv on anymore, but i think thats my favorite show.