Me this week...

6:33pm, Wednesday, August 08/07

Hello, other humans...

And how are we today, i wonder. I wonder how i am. feeling vacant. what a wonderful way to begin. surfed onto this site today, and thought i`d just begin, with no thought or prethought going into the mix...
To be honest, I`ve not journaled at all since I`ve been online. Which is about 2 weeks now...
And that can`t be that good for me. Especially since I`m supposed to be doing the morning pages! I`ve totally ignored those too. so I will make this my one stop shopping, i guess.
Notice there`s no automatic spell checky thingy here. Oh well. Kind of is, i see...
We don`t really care, do we?
There is so much stuff I should have gotten done by now. Maybe that`s why I`m feeling shitty. I didn`t do it, and it`s the kinda stuff that could give me a huge big bite in the ass. But that`s the way I play this game apparently. By waiting until the last possible second. Lovely. Dammit.
The only thing to do , of course is do just FUCKING DO IT ALREADY!!!
God. You have no idea what I`m talking about, and that`s just fine with me. you don`t really need to know. with all of the books I`ve written, all of the words and whinings I`ve penned...
Maybe this will be the place to just let it be. For now. I`ve got at least 80 pages in Word, and I wonder if i`ll ever do anything about them. Who cares anyway? I mean really. i just wish i knew how. Do I want to be seen? Heard? I don`t even know how to begin, if any of it would take `book` form. Ya know what? I`m not in the right headspace for this maybe. All I can do now is tell of the funk surrounding me, and that might be cool, but maybe I`m feeling that old bitterness looming inside, telling me `this doesn`t even matter` don`t waste your time. so here it is. which isn`t much, but as some beginnings go, It`s just a place to start. So often as I often do. Wait... i don`t think I`m ready for any horrid criticism yet. That`s not why Ive come here. I really have to start writing again. I think maybe it hurts when I don`t. Which is why the morning pages are so important.
I don't want to feel like i`m telling all this to strangers.
I don`t want to have a nice little audience. Maybe I should`ve explored more before beginning. But some first steps involve falling down, so I`ll continue.
Can`t now though, gotta go man.
By the way, if YOU are reading this... why? I warn you now, I will waste your time a little. I`ll hardly ever explain myself to give you an accurate picture of what`s going on. I am immensely private, yet have this urge to put myself out there. Weird. Gotta go. later to you and to this. I must make some happiness appear at some point. Gotta do the work to reap the benefits.......

Sigh.

p.s. my keyboard runs its own agenda around here, so if you're wondering why my apostrophes are strange sometimes, thats why....