i tell myself i didnt miss a thing.

I am so sad. Oh I feel that ive missed out on something powerful. My own force and decision. Oh and my moving out by will alone. I am so sorry if I didnt take my chance with you. I just didnt ever ever think that I would ever be important enough to want to hear. or be listened to.
i was a bit of the woman in the place tonite. i was the fourth corner, tying the room together. i was the she. the powerful. sexy. but fucking shy. i felt the energy of looks and men and downplayed it. too much in the end., but i received nice gifts along the way, which was nice. fuck, this is no story.

this is my lost little place.i am so sorry that i missed you tonite. i am so sorry that i missed you. i am so sorry that i missed you.
im so sorry i missed you. even if i didnt have any right rhyme or reason to.
i am trying not to feel stupid for not realizing how important it was for me to follow up on what i created. move out alone.
i felt fucking stupid as hell for saying `bye **** people` as i left the place tonite.
never mind. i like being alone here.
you are not reading this.



nevermind. i lied.
i dont.

Puscifer

well, poop. the damn link doesnt work anymore. bug me and maybe ill update the thing. yep.

My vapourous mistyness finally catches me in it`s poisonous vapour..

I`m becoming less defined as days go by...
Fading away, well you might say I'm losing focus...
Kind of drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself...
(TR-NIN)

Hello people and or humans...
Ooh, ok, I wanna just get right into it... So I will.
I am feeling full of aggressive energy and I don't know where to take it. I don't know where to put it. I have now available to me some new artistic means, and I know I will be ok there. But I have this need.............................................
I am always afraid to be so bold, so brusque, so animal, yet I SO WANNA not be stopped from it. And so YET, I keep myself captive from never saying what IT IS. Captive and kept from the sweet release of just saying without doubt; and holding hands with all glorious impulse in honesty. OF just getting it out.
I am so full of fear in having a voice because I have been kept down forever. Now there is no one holding their cruel hand over my mouth; no evil boot on my throat, and in my apparent freedom, I am finding myself without voice. Without words for fear of dismissive judgment. the only thing I can relate this to at the moment, and its strange that i do, is this- its like i am coming out of a closet. But I'm not. I am not gay. I think I only liken it to thus is because of the immense fear of other in the personal and vulnerable face of personal truth. This is who I am, and I am no longer afraid of it. After living so many years of torment and abuse, I am still finding my voice quite silent, even though Ive been freed for quite some time...

I find these websites and pour some of myself into them, but then dry up when I most want to spill. I am becoming diluted and deluded. My flow isn't enough to keep anyone interested either. So I fight then my brave fight in keeping my veins from collapsing and open yet another tributary, all the while weaving words and directions, yet never ever showing the picture in its entirety. I think I just maybe don't know how. :(

p.s. i love you autosave. :)
My word of the day: Anisotropy
(whether in chemistry, physics, or other...)

Sia

So, if you have watched the video for PostSecret, then you have heard that beautiful song that goes with it. It`s from a Seattle woman called Sia. I watched her other videos, quite interesting, but one in particular caught my eye. I liked the comments about it, and thought I would share the thing here because it is so bizarre. But I dig the idea that the woman can go beyond `being pretty in a video` to do something absolutely strange and playful. Enjoy. You may need to watch it several times in order to really appreciate it. :)



Yay for weird girls! We can be pretty, talented, AND out there!
Yeah. (Although I gotta say, I think I`d be too embarrassed to do this myself)

...dammit, I`ve had to replace this video since, and this one doesn't let you see the end. poo on you.

The reality

Hi!
Well then.
I have a new discovery. It`s called PostSecret, and it`s wonderfully painfully human, which is my favorite. Oh, us poor frail creatures... Anyway, I`ve just heard of it, and watched the video for the site before actually going there. (you can find it on youtube) I`ll not describe it much here except to say that it seems very inspirational, and I find myself touched by the amount of authenticity that pours forth. It`s human pain, and it`s very evident in some of these secrets; I find that it brings us closer somehow. I`m recognizing that my powers of description are off at the moment, so ill just stop here. But check it out if you have never. http://postsecret.blogspot.com/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6rTkp1dek4

oh, this...

Oh, my poor little bloggy thing, I have forgotten you.
I burst in on this thing with no purpose and left you alone to forget yourself.
I am sorry.
I have wandered away to other things and places. And I see you sitting here alone and feel saddened... so sorry. But I do not know if I have what it takes to keep you alive. Most other people have all these wonderful things to say, to contribute, to enlighten us about.
And I don't think I have anything like that.
In my other wanderings I found a place that held alot of promise. But I am finding that my head is up against the wall there, as much as it was here. I guess I just don't know where to put myself. I am trying to be on this dammed `healing journey`, and I am clueless about how to go about it. I so just want to get it all out, but feel that to do so would be to burden someone else with this shit, and I would never want to do that. Or maybe I'm just scared to. I am just a big scaredy cat. but lost, where do i go? maybe searching more? there is a whole world out there, and I am surely limiting myself to stay in these shallow little ponds...
I don't know. but i will be back here, if only to remind myself.
bye.
I have this huge craving to get into the doom and darkness, and the Type O Negative of it all. Careful not to wallow too deep...

What I`m liking now...

Ooohh. Found this through another blogger`s site. Band is called Eisley, and I cannot stop listening to them. I find their songs somehow lightly haunting, if that`s possible...
This song is called I Wasn't Prepared.


If you have musical taste like me, you`ll be glad to listen to their other songs, particularly Invasion and Marvelous Things. I think they`re playing on Conan on Thurs, Aug. 30.

The Ultimate Truth.

Yeah.
Vulnerability.
So much to say about this.
And with only 15 minutes left before I have to scram, I`ll leave this here by itself to sit awhile.
peace.
___

What this is...

Seems me here now doing this (nice huh?) is relevant to my need for expressing, and expunging.......(ew. never really liked that word... (i`m too tactile))
I do not want to be one of those poor people who feel a place like this is for their own weaknesses and whinings, but it seems that that has come to be. So be it. You may have noticed by now (muffled snickers) that i put myself through a great deal of turmoil in trying to find my words and wisdoms, and i expect this struggle to continue for awhile longer. Maybe, when i`m done (more muffled snickering) I will have uncovered some grand singular purpose and can begin anew. I'm hoping. I guess if you get tired (or whatever) of watching me lift up my band-aid(tm) to peek at the mess underneath, you can always just go on your merry little way and leave me to my dichotomous devices.

Am I repeating myself too much?

Fuck.

Now ive gone and done it. ive created this responsibility. with the whole fucking world now, all at once, and all i ever meant to do was just see. just peek and see.
oh, ive started this now, havent i?? yep. just gone and did it, didnt cha? fuck.
and i did it with out thinking, the way i wanted to. if i had known what huge step i was about to take as found this place, and clicked those buttons, i wouldve stopped. ( i know the way i am with you. but i longed for the other. this isnt what my writing is. this is some twisted ache of it, frustrated and stuck. YAY! Great.) (and i will stick periods around parentheses where ever i want.).
everytime i write right here, it turns into this big fucking ordeal. like i cant get to the point.
Oh, Ive done it now., and now i have this responsibility to uphold. dont i?
this is mine. and i didnt know what i was getting into. oh this has to stop. the evil force that makes me explain all my actions. and reactions. has to go. oh, i must exorcise some beast or other. fine.
sigh.
if this is the only way i can do this, lets just fucking do this already.



the only way i can be here is fully. the only way i can do this is to stop feeling like im pouring this into ears, splashing this into eyes. so i will. fine.
the other only way i can be here is to speak the truth. (it is sure to fail if i dont. and im tired of things becoming doomed into nonexistance.) ok. and this is the hard one, comes with alot of raggedy baggage. and i dont like whats inside. and i suppose ill look anyway, later.
Truth. fine then. god. sigh. fine.
i dont even know what to say about it. here i am, trying to get my ideas down and there are too many thoughts distracting me. it exhausts my fire, a little... just do it.

The Big Scary

Shaking my hands.
Scaring my resolve.
Frightening away Absolution.
___

This will be a place i revisit often. im gonna make the titles (on the left) as useful to me as i can. If i can find a way... (Hey, just discovered the keywords, and how they work. i have found another tool. right on.) There is nothing i hate more than availability without purpose. Its such a waste. Like frilly pictures with no depth. Pointless. this is pretty much the way i feel about my art, or the lack thereof.
Dark looming block.
Bleeding dry my creativity; where there is no more the lift of the pen, the stroke of the brush, the movement of fingers over alphabet. nothingness becoming itself. Funny how something with such emptiness can become so enveloping. its a fucking sucking vacuum. not fun. Ever had one of these? And now i need a new thread about the artist/writer block. i also need more words. and more availability of them. i could read the dictionary. and how can i express my own laughing without chatrooming it up with something as pedestrain as `lol`. guess there isnt a way. oh well.
___

So exhausting to go back over something numerous times to make sure its really ok.
Maybe good enough is good enough.
god. Dont be so afraid.
___

You. human there. Apparently its important and normal for me to talk to myself when writing.
And apparently its necessary for me to tell you that.
No need to be alarmed.
___

Ive been swinging between two constants:
That I must be here, and that I must..................... dammit, the words are gone again. I never got to the big reason of being here.
The Ultimate Truth. Around the time Honesty walked in...
Ill start a new post about it. i think it may deserve its own.
___

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!!
I missed The Riches again tonite! Aargh, aaack, and aaauuuggghhh!! Dammit. Thats like, the third week in a row. Stupid internet. grrr. Me not happy. And stupid showcase wont let me watch any episodes... rrrghh. Love the theme song. I hardly ever turn my tv on anymore, but i think thats my favorite show.

Let me begin again... -OR- Play and Pause...

So, here i am. you may notice that at times i throw all effort of punctuation, capitalisation, and things like that right out the window. Sometimes i cant be bothered. sometimes i find my schizophrenic keyboard too much of a hassle to obey, especially when i need to just write or purge or involve stream of conciousness. which you havent seen much of yet. Here to you it must seem that i am right in the middle of conversation to myself, like you just walked into the room. and that`s true. But ive been writing to myself for a good twenty years now, and to find a real `beginning` with all the proper introductions and clues would be more of an effort that i would like to endure at the moment. I will tell you things that will help in your understanding of the me that is here, and of the message that is given. i hate misunderstandings, especially when i cannot portray myself clearly. Its one of my biggest self pet peeves. i do have a need to explain myself as accurately as i can, and sometimes ill let you in on some stuff that you ABSOLUTELY MUST KNOW about the way my expression and my brain works. this is to satisfy myself with the knowledge that im going in the right direction.
Another one of my biggest piss-off-ers is this: Being a person who thinks in pictures, vibes, and feelings, I find it difficult sometimes to find the correct words and description of images to lay out my internal workings. I flail and struggle too hard sometimes, when im forgetting the throat connection, very 5th chakra. How can i forget this again, the bridge between my heart, soul, and brain? I need to grab all the under, and all the over, and have them meet in the important middle that is my expression. Tie it up. Knot it good. Hang a weight to see how long it holds...
So having said that, i will say this: I- for well, dammit, most of my life, have had expressionism thwarted, tainted, or otherwise squelched by those of authority, of cruelty, of selfishness. and oh, how old this need is now, and ive barely begun to scratch the surface.
I am losing my words again. so ill take a break and finish this glass of Greens Plus Extra Energy (us pisceans need all the extra energy we can get), and eat this nectarine, and connect with my body for awhile in the act of stretching and fluid movement, and i shall return.
Im feeling small wonderments in this little place here. this blog-dealio.
(while im away, feel free to sing along with Hey Jude playing in the background; i shall not be long)
___

oh how could i forget the stretch in my muscle?
why did i forget the singing there?
ive forgotten the imperativity of breath in my limbs.
reconnect.
plug in.
remember again.
(im shaking from non-food. must eat something healthy now.
the train`s about to derail, and the stations too far away.
so, later...)
~pause~
___

~play~
ok, so im reading about how clinical psychology fails most of the people suffering from `un-happiness` because it doesn't address their fear systems; and then this unignorable interruption... wha-thud! wha-thud! wha-thud! wha-thud! Ripping me from my word womb. Concentration cut, I must shrug the annoyance off and wait it out.
Its Skippy Lady. Shes my upstairs neighbour, who ive never seen, but have this intimate connection with via natural life noises. Its an exercise in tolerance and acceptance, forgiving the louder sounds of other humans, knowing full well there are times that were gonna make our own loudnesses and insistences of auric necessities. Like listening to music louder than normal, because its Sunday and sunny, and makes me feel good. If i can put up with Ms. Skippy McHeavyfoot and her loud living every day, then she can damn well bite whatever she needs to in order to put up with my occasional indulgence in the embrace of volume. (rocking out is just too cheesy of an expression for me; plus it probably implies a cheesier taste in music)
Yeah.
~pause.~
___

~play~
Bit of my horoscope today: `Your drive for satisfaction is strong now and there isn't much that will hold you back from expressing what you want`. Cool. finally. I don`t hold onto daily horoscopes as the be all and end all, but i see sometimes how they are good guidelines for me; how maybe they remind me of things that i already know. And sometimes are so right on that i must pay attention to the wisdom offered. Georgia Nichols is good, but has a penchant for bad puns and cheesy wordplay. She`s still my favorite though, and published in many kinds of `papers`. I get a little daily on on my Google homepage by Rick Levine, and his seem alright so far. (I just found iGoogle the other day, and after some playing around with this-es and thats, ive managed to only put things of necessity on it. My friend calls it Google for Girls. I could see how alot of the shit could be meaningless filler, but luckily I have enough tomboy in me to counteract any excessive frills and fluff. I have too much dislike of the frivolous to want any things like that mucking up my intentions...)
~pause.
___

~play
As of now, 5:09pm sunday, the moon is waxing at 49% fullness. :)
___

Aaaagh... how can i make a pot of rice and lentils when i am virtually lentil-less??? There is no way. Now its just rice.
~pause~
___

~play~
There is this friend that i have that frustrates me to the point of pain. Even the most stable person in the world can have fault-like flaws running through them. I keep finding myself on his shaky ground, usually running full force, when he moves out from beneath me and sends me flying on my ass. sigh. it is so hard to inform the deaf when they refuse to listen. And the blind refusing to see. Or sorrier yet, the one that clings to his misunderstanding like the truth. Missing everything...
I drew a picture of us once on the inside cover of my sketchbook.
me: little flower, surrounded by small white pickets...
he: big fucking mantruck, flooring it, focusing beyond me...
me: ...but i have this little fence around me...
he: ...yeah, but i need to get to where i`m going right now!!! VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo.........
hurts when he ignores any of my pains and wants in favour of his own being immediately satisfied. maybe i`m expecting too much sometimes. but it might be a little more forgivable if he had or reflected some idea of an open mind. Or that he`d even heard me at all. Or that i`m acknowledged and he`ll get right back to me. anything would be better than the quiet pull of his ego. I only pull back then. And away.
___

I may sound cynical or bitter. I'm not. Just maybe about some things. And the friendship i mentioned is valuable. which is why the frustration is there; i must work it out. In the moments when i know i need to walk away from it, i also know i will always go back. We share much that is good. And there is nothing better than the inspiration reflected back and forth. Or the light bulb moments we illuminate each other with. And i don't know anyone else in the world that shares with me such an absolutely fucky sense of humour. Fucky. you'll have to look it up. unfortunately i have the only dictionary...
ok, while typing humour, the American spellcheck keeps telling me its wrong. Ok, im clicking `Add to dictionary`. That`ll learn it.
8:06pm
___

Oh, and speaking of words... One of my many wordal joys is to make new ones up. Its not like im sitting around all say conjuring up verbal spells, or anything. But if it makes the most sense to me and sounds like a word, then ill use it. funny maybe? its a real time saver, i tell ya.
Once again, necessity. i think im i little focused on Necessity and Purpose at the moment; which are fine as tools, but I have to keep a close eye on what im carving out here. i know the thing that can throw a wrench in, and i must avoid it strategically. its a real pain in the ass when it steps up, offers help, then fucks it all up with going too far. over-analyzation. Wait, thats not a word either, is it? huh.
~pause~
___

~play~
Uh-oh. im agonizing again.
if this place here were truly mine, and only, i would not trouble myself with these poky little doubts. i would just write, and i`d do it for me. why the hell would i care what you think, when its only ever me that sees it?
But i care now. fucking thing. so stupid.
ok, no, ill not do this now. my internal dialogue does not have to be so painstakingly projected. fuck it. im angry maybe. im too tired to tell. that makes me laugh.
Oh, the struggle again. all i ever want to do sometimes is write. all i ever want to do sometimes is not fight the reasons why and why not...
These things im saying don't mean anything. they wont touch you or your life. they certainly wont change anything for anyone. i know how hard i am on myself. i know i stop myself from so much. i know the fear always waiting there, around the corner, a little out of sight. Stopping me. This is bullshit. i don't want it anymore. And it wasn't mine to begin with.
~stop~
___

Celestial Events

Ok kids, here`s something to be aware of:

On August 28/07 there will be a total lunar eclipse, around 2:52 PDT, with the moment of greatest eclipse at 3:37 PDT, early tuesday morning, with totality lasting for 90 minutes, oh joy. The eclipse will begin at 54 minutes past midnight. We, on the east coast will be the luckiest to see the full moon, going as far as mid USA and Canada. And you`ll still be able to see it, but as a partial penumbral eclipse only. So sorry, east coasters! It will be seen from 5 continents. With a complete umbral lunar eclipse, I am hoping for several things: one, that the weather is clear with no sky blocking overcastyness; two, that it will be similar to the huge, bright reddish-orange sight I viewed on my way to school in grade 6. I would love to be amazed and enthralled again, as I was on that day... I can`t wait.

I hope it`s as good as the picture to the left...
( i`m changing it back after the eclipse)

~the curse of the blank mind~

11:51pm Saturday, August something...


Dammit, i had something to say and i just forgot what it was. in the time it took for me to open the window and get inside, my important thought flew (the fuck) out.

i am currently playing a game of internet pool with a friend of mine, and
oh, my turn...
I am the accidental poolist. i make these amazing, improbable looking, and geometrically brillant shots by sheer accident. i always mean to shoot the ball somewhere else, but it seems the laws of randomness have other plans for me. wow, that was a lucky shot.

im struggling much, thinking of being here right now. knowing now that others are around and about. i keep crossing paths with knowing what i want to say, but i keep not saying it. im having trouble in knowing anything, that has to do with words, when i get here. like they freeze up, and i flail about beneath trying to close an icy grip.
i came across the most reasonable, necessary, and meaningful way to really begin.
there are only a few things i need before i get started. and once i remember what they are,
i can go about collecting them. but i know the ultimate truth, and with that said, in walks honesty...

i shall return.

the tools and their sharpness.

technical:
blog shit and maneouvreabilityness.

ill leapfrog this up tomorrow.
this is just a reminder.

i need to know the best way to use this place.

Ok, let`s get some things straight...

I swing madly between moments of being sociable and moments of absolute ` im doing this for just me`.
I will kick you out and shut the door.
I will overtake the whole system and hold it under my arm.
i will turn away and find my agenda.
I will rebuke and rehash and review.
And i will use rebuke as a transitive verb.

getting too sleepy to type, its late and i have a real writing problem. ill talk about organization tomorrow. yawn.
c-ya.
p.s. I am not speaking to any one in particular. i am not looking for attention. I am not inviting you into my life. I am not doing something that you think im doing. Understand?
and i dont mean to sound sharp. im leaving now, and i just needed to say it. oh, there is just so much.
You, person, reading this now, sometimes i will talk to you directly in an indirect way.
But sometimes the `you` is someone else.
And sometimes the `you` is no one at all.
oh, and sometimes this is all mine. And sometimes it can be yours, when i share.
And even still again, sometimes its just a fucking place where i say stuff.
to let it go already. oh, dammit, and one other thing (im going too long),
i might even go back and take out little bits here and there. Prune the thing.
...and i have no idea what the hell im doing.


i look forward to recompartmentalizing my thought.
im digging the idea of defragging my brain.
you have to wait now. oh and another thing.
this stuff right here right now is the only thing i can write.
i am chaos, sailing on motheaten wings.
i am where everything should be, and i am its scattered opposite.
it s important you know this going in..
what the hell is this place about anyway?

ive only just been here for 9 days.
ive only just been online for about a month.
only just had the pc for two.

night.

my horoscope.

this made sense to me. glad it was there.

You may believe that what you do today is less
important than what others think. Naturally,
your presentation can be crucial, but it will
ultimately be irrelevant without real
substance to back it up. Take the necessary
time to finish your tasks with the kind of
workmanship that makes you proud of your
accomplishments.
By Rick Levine
Friday, August 17, 2007

hmmmm

what if i have too much to say. what if i cant stop. what if it wants to be a need. what if it needs to be a constant. what if i get confused. what if i dont know what to do. what if i/it runs away with me. what if i cant catch up. what if i feel stupid. what if i dont know. what if i cant stop. what if i repeated myself. what if i wonder what you think. what if i try to stop myself. what if i just dont fucking care. what if it doesnt matter. what if im glad. what if i want to laugh at the twisted irony of it. what if i dont care if you dont understand. what if i just stop, and breathe, and be kind, and dont rush. what if i had a funny way to wrap this up.


go easy with me, there is newness, and maybe a bit of scared.
who knows why, maybe doesnt matter

i have to not be mean to me.
and im so much meaner than you.

sigh of relief.

thursday, aug 16/07 11:32pm yeah.

i am unhappy with my bloggy post thingy. i think whats bugging me is, well, now all of a sudden, the colour. and before that it was the fact that i don't know how to use it, then before that it was that fact that other people have these cool title-y things all over, and they, well, they`re more organized, and with my thirstinesses and everything i just gotta organize the hell out of this place. it`s bugging me that its not. and thats a good sign. i need to know and figure out what i`m doing. its funny, cuz most of the blogs i`ve ever seen are black. and i really haven't looked around in here much. i just bumped into it, remember? gotta change shit up. i think i want the comfort of black, and when i picked this one, black wasn't my first choice at all, which also surprised me. improvements need to be made. plans need to be put in place. avenues need to be created. and where the hell did i throw those traffic cones??

curiosity vs purpose

Hey kids... First, ty Dale- after learning that you in fact, are NOT stupid, I tried it for myself at this site, but then found tons of ways to waste my spare time. so... thanks for that. I think.

Your Brain's Pattern

You have a dreamy mind, full of fancy and fantasy. You have the ability to stay forever entertained with your thoughts. People may say you're hard to read, but that's because you're so internally focused. But when you do share what you're thinking, people are impressed with your imagination.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

.

I like potatoes.

Me this week...

6:33pm, Wednesday, August 08/07

Hello, other humans...

And how are we today, i wonder. I wonder how i am. feeling vacant. what a wonderful way to begin. surfed onto this site today, and thought i`d just begin, with no thought or prethought going into the mix...
To be honest, I`ve not journaled at all since I`ve been online. Which is about 2 weeks now...
And that can`t be that good for me. Especially since I`m supposed to be doing the morning pages! I`ve totally ignored those too. so I will make this my one stop shopping, i guess.
Notice there`s no automatic spell checky thingy here. Oh well. Kind of is, i see...
We don`t really care, do we?
There is so much stuff I should have gotten done by now. Maybe that`s why I`m feeling shitty. I didn`t do it, and it`s the kinda stuff that could give me a huge big bite in the ass. But that`s the way I play this game apparently. By waiting until the last possible second. Lovely. Dammit.
The only thing to do , of course is do just FUCKING DO IT ALREADY!!!
God. You have no idea what I`m talking about, and that`s just fine with me. you don`t really need to know. with all of the books I`ve written, all of the words and whinings I`ve penned...
Maybe this will be the place to just let it be. For now. I`ve got at least 80 pages in Word, and I wonder if i`ll ever do anything about them. Who cares anyway? I mean really. i just wish i knew how. Do I want to be seen? Heard? I don`t even know how to begin, if any of it would take `book` form. Ya know what? I`m not in the right headspace for this maybe. All I can do now is tell of the funk surrounding me, and that might be cool, but maybe I`m feeling that old bitterness looming inside, telling me `this doesn`t even matter` don`t waste your time. so here it is. which isn`t much, but as some beginnings go, It`s just a place to start. So often as I often do. Wait... i don`t think I`m ready for any horrid criticism yet. That`s not why Ive come here. I really have to start writing again. I think maybe it hurts when I don`t. Which is why the morning pages are so important.
I don't want to feel like i`m telling all this to strangers.
I don`t want to have a nice little audience. Maybe I should`ve explored more before beginning. But some first steps involve falling down, so I`ll continue.
Can`t now though, gotta go man.
By the way, if YOU are reading this... why? I warn you now, I will waste your time a little. I`ll hardly ever explain myself to give you an accurate picture of what`s going on. I am immensely private, yet have this urge to put myself out there. Weird. Gotta go. later to you and to this. I must make some happiness appear at some point. Gotta do the work to reap the benefits.......

Sigh.

p.s. my keyboard runs its own agenda around here, so if you're wondering why my apostrophes are strange sometimes, thats why....